Panic

Anxiety has been a huge invisible weight in my life. I have probably struggled with it on differing levels most of my life. People always make the comment oh yeah I struggle with that too but I believe half of those who say this do not understand the true depth it has in many peoples lives. In high school I would lie awake at night staring at my ceiling with scenarios and thoughts flying through my mind. I would lay in bed trying to sleep for hours with interactions from the day playing like a tv was on in the room that I couldn’t turn off. I would try to remember if I did all my homework, if the conversation I had with someone was akward, did anyone notice when I stumbled over my response to the teacher, anything and everything was on my mind 24/7. My friends hated how much I complained about being tired and thought it was some lame excuse. They function on 4 or 5 hours of sleep fine why can’t I, but even life is just so much effort a few hours of sleep a night doesn’t make up for the energy I put out. My senior year was full of panic attacks. I would break down in class when one more reading assignment was given and I wasn’t even half way through the last one. My English teacher was a gift from heaven she would sit with me during study time and let me poor out anything on my mind. I loved it but at the same time who wants to be the kids who is crying and talking to the teacher in the back of the class room. I had an advanced placement music class. I loved music, I’ve played violin since I was 11. Nobody told me we would have to sing as part of our final. I did fine with our group warm ups and singing together in class but anytime I had to sing alone it ended with my in tears and barely able to get a sound out. The night of my senior solo for violin was a marker for the end of my last year in highschool. Reality hit hard. That night I laid in bed crying and freaking out about leaving my friends and everything I knew. I couldn’t stop crying, couldnt breathe, my hands went numb and it was spreading up my arms, then when I stood up to go get my parents I started to black out, so I gave up and let myself fall to the floor before I completely blacked out and cried till I thought I’d be able to stand. My dad didn’t believe me the next morning when I told him what happened. He would continue to doubt my anxiety problems until I had a full blown panic attack in front of him and my brother a year and a half later. I did start college the fall after graduation and battled panic attacks every few months for the first two years. I did not cave in to medicine to control my thoughts and regulate my emotions until last spring in 2019. A few weeks after that was the first time in several years that I can say I was able to lay in bed and just not think. I started crying tears of joy the moment I realized I forgot what true quietness felt like. I'm sorry if this was not what you were looking for but this is what came out of my head. Its my story. A brief description of who I am on the outside: A/B student in highschool graduated with a 3.68 was in honors society, chem club, orchestra, dutch dancing all 4 years and dabbled in set design for school plays Bs most of college and active member of Inter Varsity and Club Sailing. I always have had a lot of friends and they think I a happy funny energetic person. The ones who TRULY know me are aware of my issues and know that if I come over and just watch them and laugh along but don’t play games myself that I need interaction and love otherwise Id be sitting by myself crying and freaking out. People are my safety net. They remind me why I’m here and have to keep fighting for sanity.