Anxiety to me has always been confusing. It’s like I know it's there, but I don’t
know what to do with it, and I don’t exactly know what it's doing to me.
To start from the beginning, my family has always called me the “bubbly” child
since I was in elementary school. I thought that was a good thing! Being bubbly means
fun to be around, right? Apparently not. Apparently, calling someone bubbly is another
way of saying “too much.” I learned this in second grade when my Dad had to write a
letter about me for my class to read, and he laughed when he said I was “bubbly.” I
always wanted to be doing something or talking to someone or I would get so bored out
of my mind that I would kind of freak out. Elementary school was when my anxiety started to show, although I had no idea, because kids were reckless and it scared me. I especially couldn’t stand when kids were sick. I have a vivid memory of a student in my fourth grade class who was doing a food “trick” and vomited all over the cafeteria table. After that, I went home and couldn’t even think about going to school for the rest of the year because I was sure that I would be the next one to vomit on the cafeteria table, even though there was no valid reason to feel that way. For the rest of fourth grade, if I went to school, I was being dragged there by my family because of how much trouble I was in for not going. I had to start seeing a therapist, but no one told me this was anxiety, so I was left for several years
wondering why I felt that way. Fast forward to now, my personality completely revolves around anxiety. I can’t have a day off - I need to have things on my to-do list every single day. As much as I wish I could, I can’t just lay in bed for an extra hour or two in the mornings on my days off. It makes me feel extremely unproductive and like I’m wasting my whole day. I am always rushing through everything, especially schoolwork; I am an average student who
gets A’s and B’s, but I am always the first one done on exams because I have the
mindset of just needing to get it done and move on with my day. Why would I waste
another 20 minutes on an exam when I have tons of other things to do, right? While in
museums and similar places, I have to keep moving. I can’t stand in front of a famous
painting for 5 minutes when I can look at it for 30 seconds and move on to the next.
This has made relationships very hard for me. I feel that my friends get annoyed
with me being so controlling over every situation. I always want a timeline of what’s
going to happen and I want a plan of how it will work. I recently got out of a
two-year-long relationship because he couldn’t understand my constant need of
validation. I also couldn’t just sit in his bedroom or living room and do nothing, but I also
couldn’t make decisions on anything to do with him because I didn’t want him to be mad
at what I wanted to do. He would never be mad at me suggesting to do something, but
anxiety always made me feel judged. Anxiety, in a way, also has perks for me. I work in events, so my constant need of a plan, timeline, etc., has made me SUPER organized in my jobs. I never procrastinate - I get whatever needs to be done finished as soon as possible.
Not only does anxiety affect my mental health, but more recently it has started to
affect my physical health, and I have never felt so ill in my life. Over two years ago I
began having horrible acid reflux symptoms that were constant. Two years and tens of
tests and prescriptions later, I still have not been able to find anything that helps. My
final verdict is that it is anxiety and stress causing these problems. The next question is
how do I fix it? There is no cure for anxiety, only ways to cope with it. So I now have to
learn how to live with anxiety along with my extreme acid reflux symptoms.
There are people who have the mindset that people with anxiety should just “stop
worrying and thinking about things so much,” but that isn’t always how anxiety works.
Yes, sometimes there are things that I know bring me anxiety, so I can try to stay away
from them. But there are also times that there is not valid reason for me to feel anxious -
it’s just happening and there's no quick way to stop it. Looking back at my life with anxiety, I wish it would have been recognized by my parents and teachers earlier so I would have had the chance to learn how to deal with it better before reaching high school and college where I was completely overwhelmed by everything. I am fortunate, however, to live in a society where mental illness is beginning to be more widely accepted, and to have access to therapists and doctors who can help me learn to live with this illness.