July 2015, whole world turns upside down. My grandma finds out she has cancer… 1 st
thought: Oh no, this is going to be bad… 2nd thought: okay well we don’t know how bad it is, everything’s going to be fine, she’s gunna be fine. She’ll do chemo for a while it will be okay.
Well, things didn’t exactly turn out “fine”. The cancer we found out was stage four, not
much they could do. She chose hospice instead of trying to fight it. I don’t remember how I
remember feeling in that moment, but right now, years after, I completely understand her
decision. Her husband of 30+ years passed away maybe 8 years prior, she was 80+ years old, she lived a long life. I get it, she had a better quality of life in her last few months doing hospice opposed to trying to fight it and it most likely have not worked anyway. The doctors were shocked at how far it advanced before it was diagnosed. My mother having a medical background said she must have been in considerable amount of pain for some time (before the diagnosis) and must not have told anyone. The doctors gave her 2-3 weeks left…. Well, she lasted about 4 months from diagnosis. Let me tell you, those 4 months were the hell, the worst 4 months of my life. I think I cried just about every day in that time period. I graduated HS and was planning on going away to school but decided to stay home that year and go to local CC. At the time, I was in school full time, working two jobs, playing a travel sport, and coaching a 14u team. I needed to keep busy all the time to keep me from thinking about it.
I watched my grandma age more in those 4 months than I did my entire life. By month 3, she was nonverbal, too weak to move much of any. My mom made us go over there almost every day to visit her (at home hospice). Now growing up, we were very close, she babysat us kids a lot while my parents were working and even as we got older we would visit her at least once a week. She was very healthy up until then, she completely independent, driving herself around, making meals, she would even go on casino trips. If we had good news or bad news, she would be one of the first people to hear it, we were very close. At one point or another, we had to have someone there around the clock. Me and my siblings or parents or aunts/ uncles would take turns staying the night there. I don’t think I slept at all the nights I was there. I absolutely loved the sport, loved going to practice, loved coaching. In those 4 months I struggled to go to practice, struggled to even go to games. I didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything. Only one of my teammates, my best friend, knew what was going on in my life. I didn’t tell the coach until maybe like a week before she passed away because I knew I would be missing somethings coming up. This was my first year with this team, so going into it I only played with 1 or 2 other girls prior, so none of them really knew how I normally was. I was usually very involved, very enthusiastic. I’ve always been a Captain or Assistant captain for any organization I played with. This season I was different, I was just going through the motions. I kinda hid the fact that I was struggling to get through the days. So, people just thought that was my normal, I guess. My play was fine statistically wise, I just didn’t feel like I was contributing to any of the team moral, I guess. I was just kinda there. The weekend she passed away; I remember getting a phone call saying I need to come to my grandmas. I had just gotten out of orientation at my new job and then was supposed to go to my other job. I remember calling my other job in tears telling them I wouldn’t be there this weekend, that my grandma had passed away. Now in my mind, she was dead, like that’s why my mom was calling me telling me to come to my grandmas and that I needed to call into work. Much of my family was already there, so I picked up my cousin from school that day because it was on my way to my grandmas and her parents were already there. That 30-minute car ride with my cousin was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do in my life. I was in college, she was maybe in 6 th grade at the time, old enough kinda understand everything that was going on. I remember getting to her house slightly before she got home from the bus. She was kinda confused as to why I was there and where her parents were. I told her I was just getting off work and could get her on the way to grandmas and that we were all going there for dinner. I think we both knew way I was there to get her and not her parents, but I tried to distract her, making small talk along the way. We get there and she was still alive but barely breathing, her pulse was very weak. She ended up passing away a few days later very late in the night. I still remember where I was and what song was playing on the radio when I got the news. It was almost a relief that she had passed away, she wasn’t suffering anymore. For the longest time I couldn’t even drive passed her house or take the same roads I would to use to get her house driving around, it hurt too much. I remember hating going over there when she was sick but looking back, I am so grateful my mom forced us to go over there. It was hell, but I’m glad I did it. Even sometimes driving near her home now I forget for a split second and think I should stop and tell her about xxx that happened…. Then remember she’s not there anymore to go tell her. Around that time, I didn’t want to talk about any of it. I had severe depression and anxiety, didn’t want to go do things, just kinda went through the motions. Years later, I can tell you I am doing well and can talk about it. I am a big advocate for mental health awareness, I have gone to many seminars dealing with mental health and suicide. I will be going to graduate school for school counseling and hope to spread awareness about mental health. Something I would say to someone struggling right now is its okay to not be okay. Maybe you’re not ready to get help just yet but just know its out there. There are people out there that care about you. And to anybody who knows somebody struggling, just reassure them you are there from them if they ever want to talk about it and keep encouraging them to seek help. You can’t necessary make someone seek help (from professionals) but if you continue to encourage them to. It reminds them someone is there for them and there is hope. The acknowledgement of having suffered an evil is the greatest step forward. It’s okay to struggle. We are all a little broken. Many are fighting a battle we know nothing about. We as a society need to break the stigma and the bias’; surrounding mental health. Don’t ridicule someone for the pain you have not endured. Mental health matters. People matter. You matter. You don’t have to fight your battle alone, reach out. The most important thing to remember is that you are not alone. You’re somebody’s angel, you’re somebody’s purpose, even if you don’t know it. Don’t give up. Be strong because things will get better. The sun will come up tomorrow, just get through the night. You don’t have to have your whole life figured out right now. It’s okay to not know what you are
doing. it will come to you in time. There is no right or wrong way to be living the life that
you’re living now. It’s your life, not anyone else’s. Don’t judge the way you’re living your
life by the way someone else is living theirs. Never be one to compare yourself to
anyone else, you are you. There’s only one you. Don’t ever forget that. It’s okay to not
be okay. We’re human, we’re not perfect, everyone has a breaking point. It’s okay to be
sad. It’s okay to be angry. It’s okay to be frustrated and stressed about life, it happens.
It’s okay to not know what is going on or not understand why something may be
happening. Nothing in this world is supposed to be all rainbows and butterflies and
that’s completely okay. We all have good and bad days. No one can be perfectly happy
all of the time, that is not human. Life is filled with ups and downs, which is what shapes
us into the people we are. When you’re having a bad day or a good day, remember that
people do care about you, you are here for a reason, and the world would not be the
same without you.